Loneliness
by CatCompanion09
Summary: What happens when the stress of the bullying gets to be too much for Kurt? WARNING: TRIGGER ALERT- GRAPHIC MENTIONS OF CUTTING


**This was originally intended to be smut. It turned out MUCH darker. Again, TRIGGER ALERT! Cutting at the beginning, and mentioned through the entire story. If you don't do well with mentions of cutting, press the back arrow in the top left corner of the window.**

Kurt stepped under the heated spray and just let it wash over him, washing away all the pain of the day, all the whispers he heard behind his back, all the cold glares he received whenever he walked with Blaine in the halls. He had learned to ignore them, but they still hurt. But somewhere deep down, he knew that Blaine was why he put up with the crap he got on a daily basis. Blaine was what made it all worth it, at the end of the day. People could call him anything they wanted- homo, faggot, lady-boy, whatever. It wouldn't stop him from loving Blaine. He massaged shampoo into his hair, and rinsed it away. The pale boy slumped against the shower wall and just tried to forget what had happened. It wasn't anything different, in fact it was one of the more peaceful days, but it somehow hurt more than usual. Then it hit him. Blaine hadn't visited for a week. He tried to reassure himself, but it wasn't going well. And then, a pang of loneliness caused him to desperately try to remember how Blaine's eyes melted into that golden color, how his curls could never stay in one place without a full bottle of gel, how Blaine's lips felt pressed against his own. Anything to remember the one person who kept him going. His breathing was shallow, ragged, his heart was racing, to anyone else it might look like a panic attack. But it was just loneliness.

When he lost the memory, something changed within him, something must have snapped, because he was clutching at his razor, knuckles white from the grip, and the three blades were pressed against his forearm. Tears poured from his eyes as he dug them into his skin, feeling the fiery pain as the blades broke the skin, forming three lines, dotted with blood. The blood flowed faster and faster until it was pouring down his arm. It hurt like hell but it was oddly comforting. _So _this_ is what everyone talks about. I can see why people do it. It's better than loneliness. It hurts, but loneliness is more numbness than pain._ He let the razor fall to the floor and turned off the water. Carefully, he cleaned up the cuts and bandaged them. Wincing when he knocked his arm against the door frame, he collapsed on his bed and let himself think. _What the hell am I doing? I'm hurting myself because Blaine hasn't visited for a week? Whatever, I just won't do it again._

* * *

><p>It was the day after he had cut. He had worn long sleeves that day, and nobody had seemed to question it. After school, he was with Blaine, talking and cuddling on the couch. His sleeves were loose, and when he reached over to grab the remote, the sleeve slipped and Blaine caught sight of the bandages.<p>

"Kurt, what happened to your arm?" Blaine asked, concern taking over his voice.

"Um, nothing, just an accident at Glee practice." Kurt's voice almost cracked as he struggled to find a way to pass it off as nothing.

"Why didn't you tell me about it earlier?" Blaine was suspicious, but seemed close to buying Kurt's story.

"I-I didn't want you to worry about me. It's fine. Really." Kurt tugged the sleeve down over the bandages, and Blaine's suspicion was mostly confirmed.

"Kurt, can I see it? It looks like it hurts." All those acting classes paid off. Blaine was able to maintain a calm demeanor even as he was panicking within.

"Do you really need to?" Fear, guilt, and worry all showed in Kurt's expressive glasz eyes, which had dulled slightly with what he'd done.

"I care about you, Kurt. More than anyone. I won't judge you, or make fun of you, because you messed up and hurt yourself." Blaine hoped his words fit both the proposed situation and what he knew to be true well enough that Kurt wouldn't be as afraid of showing him the scar.

"I-I can't. I... have to go to the bathroom." Kurt made a run for the bathroom, but Blaine tried to stop him.

"Kurt! Look, can we talk?"

"What is there to talk about? I hurt myself dancing in Glee. It happens, there's nothing else going on! You're acting like I- like I-" The pale boy tried to say cut but he physically couldn't. He just couldn't. Again, he tried to bolt, twisting free when Blaine caught his arm and crying out when the bandage was ripped off.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Kurt shouted, before seeing Blaine's eyes. He had expected fear, disappointment, but never what he saw. Blaine's eyes weren't judging or harsh. They were calm, gentle, almost apologetic. When their eyes met, Kurt couldn't stop himself. He was sobbing on his knees, supporting himself with his hands (though less so with the injured arm) and desperately trying to form a coherent sentence between his sobs. Carefully, giving Kurt plenty of time to push him away, Blaine wrapped his arms around the younger boy and did his best to calm him down. Kurt leaned into Blaine's arms, but kept sobbing. He turned around and clutched onto Blaine simply because he was a solid object that could keep him grounded to reality. All Blaine could really do was let Kurt cry, his arms lightly wrapped around the taller boy, as he gently murmured soothing words.

After what seemed like an hour, Kurt's sobs had finally faded and he regained some form of speech. "I-I don't know why I did it. I really don't and wish I hadn't. I'm so sorry, Blaine. Please, can you forgive me?"

"Of course, baby. I'm here, I meant it when I said I wouldn't judge you. I love you, and something like this could never change that." Kurt broke into a fresh round of sobs and clung even tighter to Blaine. He couldn't believe that even after what he'd done, Blaine could still love him and not judge him at all.

"T-thank yo-you. I-I love y-you. So much," Kurt choked out, rearranging his grip so he hugged Blaine properly.

Blaine hugged Kurt close, feeling the warmth of Kurt's body pressed close to his own, not caring that Kurt's tears were creating a wet spot on his own shirt. The younger boy was still crying but it wasn't coming out in harsh sobs that shook his entire body. It was instead silent rivers of tears pooling on Blaine's shoulder as Kurt realized just how incredible Blaine was. Not that he hadn't thought Blaine was amazing before. But now, he saw that Blaine was the kindest, most understanding person Kurt had ever met. Here, Kurt had gone and cut himself, and Blaine didn't think he was a freak.

"K-Kurt?" The pale boy looked up, face blotchy and tear-stained, "I-If it makes you feel any better, y-you're not alone." With those words, Blaine pulled up his own sleeve. Faint pinkish lines, only visible to someone who knew what they were looking for, littered Blaine's arm. Kurt's eyes widened in shock.

"B-but why?" Kurt whispered, unable to tear his gaze from the scars on Blaine's arm.

"I-remember when I told you about what happened at prom?"

"Y-yeah."

"Well, I-I... that was the first time."

"What about the others?"

"I liked the pain. It distracted me from the names, the looks, the shoves, everything I put up with at school or, when I transferred to Dalton, whenever I ran into people from my old school. By the time I figured out how to avoid my old schoolmates, cutting had become an addiction."

"Why did you stop?" Kurt really, truly wanted to know what meant so much to Blaine.

"I met you." When he heard those words, time froze for Kurt. It was HIM that meant enough to make Blaine stop cutting. His heart pounded wildly and he could barely breathe.

"M-me?" Blaine nodded, and hugged Kurt close again. The taller boy relaxed in his arms, glad Blaine didn't do that to himself any more.

"Promise me, if you ever want to do that again, you'll call me. I got through it, you can too." Blaine wasn't going to let Kurt suffer like he had.

"Only if you promise the same thing." Kurt wanted to be there for Blaine, like Blaine was there for him.

"Okay. Even if it's two in the morning. If I can't be there, I'll be on the phone." Kurt nodded, signifying he would do the same thing, and shifted to a much more comfortable position.

Blaine adjusted his arms slightly, and felt Kurt's breath deepen. He started singing softly, hoping Kurt would understand that he meant every word.

_Baby, you're not alone _

_'Cause you're here with me_

_And nothing's ever gonna bring us down_

_'Cause nothing can keep me from loving you_

_And you know it's true_

_It don't matter what'll come to be_

_Our love is all we need to make it through._

**So, this turned out very dark. Nothing like what I originally intended. Anyway, please review, it really makes me wanna write. And I promise I'll have the next chapter of Weekend at Blaine's up soon, I'm just trying to get myself to finish it.**

**Love you SO FREAKIN MUCH! -CatCompanion09**


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